The constant struggle to be articulate.

When did I begin to find issue with expressing my thoughts?

It seems my tongue is in a constant state of chasing, flurrying after the yearning thoughts vibrating within. Thoughts eager to find place at home in another’s mind, to be understood and digested, just as how I intend for them to be. And yet, the intent seems to undermine the numbing in-eloquence that’s found normality in my methods of communication. When and how it began is lost, it wasn’t a moment of epiphany, of sudden clarity. No, it was a slow and uneasy build. A few stumps to train of thought here, loss of understanding on how I got to this point in conversation there, the everlasting struggle to bring thoughts to life became routine.

Maybe that is a routine I should learn to embrace. Maybe the impending doom of being misunderstood will soon be relinquished with time and age? Should I live passively and live true to the understanding that the right people will somehow understand my misconstructed verbalisation, or in this thinking of avoidance will I lead the wrong people into a false truth? Ultimately jumpstarting the cycle I hope to break. Is it through accepting, albeit uncomfortably, that illusion of normality i’ve come to create, that the forthcoming damming trivialisation from others came into play?

The lack of effective expression seldom receives much concern or sensitivity. Instead, the ignorance of others is a catalyst for underestimation and dismissiveness. The persistence of imposter syndrome in turn becomes ever taunting in its pursuit, eagerly advocating its cliché in finding solace in vacant silence. Why find purpose in the space of conversation when the indifference from others is so painfully blatant.

Silence grew to be a pleasant comfort. I understand myself in that silence, which became all that mattered. And yet, that silence crumbled into an unnerving whisper, a sudden sharp chill up the spine. As much as the silence is welcomed and conscripted, I can’t help but think was it not but a compelling constraint? A coerced conception that fought off the discomfort of the reality I once understood to be my normal.

It leads me to think, what is it that makes someone positively articulate? Is it bold to presume that those who articulate themselves well hold a grounded confidence. Does it start with confidence? Education? Or arrogance, that your point means something. Is it manipulation? Forcing yourself into a space with emotional tactics alone, no deeper knowledge past your own desire to be heard.

I want to be heard. Is that arrogant? Or is it that after years of dismissal it’s something I can’t help but crave. Years of being told to stop asking so many questions, to see educational paths like university as a waste of funds, to seek competence in hard manual labour instead. Is it that conditioned mindset which has unknowingly hindered my ability to articulate effectively? I have a drive. A constant burning desire to know, to learn. Is it an exposure within those knowledge fuelled spaces that I’m lacking? Or the hesitance to step out my comfort zone, to see what it is I’m doing wrong in the first place.

You could argue this essay is well articulated. I could argue I’ve sought refuge in google, studying synonyms for basic words to appear that I understand more than I do. You could argue, that research into language is the first step to mastering positive articulation. I could argue the reliance of google feels robotic, unnatural, pre-scripted. There is no google in natural conversation, just instinct, intuition, you.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, this essay feels like a puzzle within itself. I want to create space for learning, growth happens within that space. One day I hope to be deep in comprehension over subjects or texts I once thought impossible. One day I hope to learn how to resolutely articulate ‘no’, with no room for reservations. One day I hope to learn to converse without stumbling over my words in desperate attempt to reach my point before it’s lost. One day I hope to be able to embrace my presence in talks with another without the worry of holding too much space.

One day I will do it all, but for now I open a conversation with you. Is there a particular piece of advice that resonates with you in the pursuit of becoming more articulate?